If I’m honest

If I’m honest, I can’t escape it…not all of it…not all the time… it’s too much… The aching regret, the deep disappointed, the disgust, anger, and the heavy shame…. There are days it all piles on top of me and trys to snuff me out. Somedays, it just gets me. I’m not on top of my game and one thing topples onto another… And I’m down… Spinning into a whirlwind of what ifs and you should’ves… But those days sure don’t change my present reality…

It’s awful! Because I know in my mind I’m not at fault, my abuser formed my reality and shaped me to behave according to it. I know that abuse is an unending cycle if you have any form of contact with the abusive person. That’s the problem, you are abused into believing you are at fault for EVERY issue, you deserve It All… So you stay, because you’ve been manipulated to believe you can’t survive without him, it’s you that needs him, and he makes it crystal clear it’s not the other way around. So, you see, the abuse itself, the reality you’ve lived, fights against what your mind knows to be true.

No! I didn’t deserve any of it! Not a single moment! But the memories tell me otherwise…

His words are so deeply in bedded into my mind, they randomly pop up telling me I’m worthless, incapable, unintelligent, out of shape, ugly…and that I deserve each harsh word as well as every cruel and unwanted touch…

These days It’s simply catching my own reflection… And a million negative words come flooding in.

It’s the moment I feel the heavy shadow of his presence from behind, chills run through my entire body. And a world of horror flashes back.

It’s catching myself trying to not allow myself to eat, or the immediate judgement I put upon myself for eating something I don’t think I deserve…. It’s called eating to live, and I can’t mentally grasp that I deserve food as a human being…to stay alive!!!

It’s waking up drenched in sweat from the nightmares he haunts.

I have amazing days of freedom and random days that feel like I’m still fighting a world of hell…

I guess that’s just life…life after abuse… โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

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My happily ever after๐Ÿ’‹

She’s growing so fast, she’s so beautiful. She’s not the same little girl anymore, you might not even recognize her. She won’t be pushed down, she won’t be held back!

It’s everything really… The simple things, like the way she does her hair or the clothes she chooses to wear… The way she dances through the house, without a care in the world. She’s like music herself, bringing hope and joy to a room…

She’s flying now, she’s found her wings, each day a little higher, she’s pushing her limits, finding what she’s capable of… ANYTHING…what she was made for EVERYTHING! I won’t stop her.. It’s breathtaking… A little freedom is all she needed… And a little time, to get your voice out of her mind…

These days, I often loose myself just looking at her, watching how she’s walked through this fire, she must have been catching a bit along the way…because It’s like she became a flame of her own now…her own force… Strong and fearless…young, but so brave… she’s seen the ugly in this world, yet her heart remains so pure…

I can’t imagine the places she’ll go or the things she’ll do… The people she’ll touch, the lives she’ll change…

No, she’s not that broken girl, tossed to the side…waiting to be loved, waiting to be accepted… She’s not waiting anymore, not for anyone, or anything… She’s magnificent! A blossoming work of art… Her presence…her very being… simply inspiring!

Her heart, gentle and kind, nothing like yours… Or even like mine… Her spirit is colorful and bright, her voice, like an angel… she gives life to everything in sight… She’s a whirlwind of love and laughter… she’s my everything… She’s my real happily ever after ๐Ÿ’‹

So thank you! Thank you for coming… But thank you most for leaving… โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

I know…

I know being afraid of the person you lie next to at night…

I know the feeling that his very presence brings, and how you shrink when he’s near..

I know thinking he would rather have you dead than alive… It’s one of the sick sparkles in his eyes…

I know laughing when you’re the theme of his jokes…

I know blaming yourself for all his troubles… Making excuses for his brokenness…while allowing him to break your own being …

I know lying to cover his lies… Protecting the person that throws you under the bus the most…

I know Striving to be EVERYTHING and EVERYONE… because then you’ll have to be enough…

I know the feeling of his unwanted touch… and knowing he just walked in from touching someone else…

I know trying to not be seen… Fighting to be overlooked…

I know the look of disgust in his eyes… And the look he gives when he lies…

I know his anger and the different ways he punishes you…

I know being a puppet, obedient and fake…

I know living a life playing pretend…

I know being used and cast aside…

I know his words cut like a knife… They shape and mold you, while ripping away every bit of confidence you once had…

I know accepting the bruises were your fault as well… Believing your not worth being handled with care…

I know starving yourself for weeks at a time… And also throwing up all you eat…

I know his gaze from across a room… Giving you instructions to shut up without a single word…

I know insecurity, and accepting your socially awkward…

I know him telling everyone you mean nothing…yet there he is… driving by your house and following you around town…

I know fear… He’s been instilling it since day 1…

I know sleepless nights and nervous laughter…

I Know panic attacks and constantly looking over my shoulder…

I know being surrounded by darkness… Without a hope in the world…

I know the power I allowed him to have…but not anymore.โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

It’s ok… to not always be ok…

Ok… So I’m so sick of tip toeing around the truth. I’m sick if trying to make everything seem ok… And sound wonderful all the time…

The truth is I lied for someone else for so long, I’m no sure I know how to communicate reality anymore… I want everything to be ok… But, everything can’t possibly always be ok… Life isn’t perfect, and our life has definitely been a bit rough… Life has simply been a rollercoaster for the last 2 years now. That’s it, reality!

I feel I am finally getting to the point where I am able to start letting go of the shame that goes with a past such as my own.

I know not everyone understands, but living with an abusive spouse or partner, somehow dumps a whole bunch of shame on you… Stupid! I know! But, you end up bearing the weight of the world in shame and insecurities… After keeping their secrets, building them up, when you know they suck, allowing their mind games, and harsh treatment…and then there’s the cheating…. By the end you are two inches tall burried in a pile of garbage.

Well, I’ve decided to get out of that heep of trash! I know I will have to live the rest of my life, knowing what went on in my home… Knowing I should’ve been stronger and fought harder… I should’ve left…long ago… But, I didn’t, so EVERYDAY, I’ll have to forgive myself… Along with ALL the others I can find myself angry with… Every morning I’m gonna have to choose to believe, it was all in God’s hands, and his time may have seemed too late in the physical world, but I believe He knows everything… And His timing is BEST!

Life is real, it’s messy… and I know it’s beautiful too.. we’ve just been going through some dark spots ๐Ÿ™‚ but, the sun keeps finding it’s way in, and for that, I’m thankful!

So, I’m learning, it’s ok to not be ok! Accepting that, is the only way to get there…โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ

Feel..it…all..

As a child I think I had a normal amount of feelings and emotions… My parents were always very loving and affectionate…Our mother gave as much of herself as she possiblly could, home-schooling us and spending time working with us and skating… i was always very close to my her, we spent a lot of one on one time, together over the years.. we grew up being able to share and express ourselves…plus we gave and received a lot of hugs ๐Ÿ˜‰

As a teen, I was probably quite a bit to deal with, like most teenagers i suppose. Since my mother and i were the most alike, personality wise, i remember butting heads a lot once i started forming my own opinions… looking back, mama did know best… So, sorry mommy:) But, never the less, i always felt my opinions mattered…

Then I got married, and it wasn’t long before my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter, not even a little… They we’re dismissed the moment I felt I was allowed to share them… Over time I learned I simply wasn’t allowed. The extreme issues I felt I still need to fight… It was still always better to leave it be… The average (I caught you cheating) fight would always end with him forcing himself on me, which at first made me sick to my stomach… The feeling of your husband being with another woman was bad enough, but then he’d have to have me again as well…that was hard to get used to… But, after enough times… and hearing him tell me “it’s your fault” “you wanted it” “you’re so f***Ed up.” “You’d want me no matter what I do.” Well… I started to believe him… And I somehow learned to shut off my feelings in general… Sex wasn’t anything by the end, even though he had to have it ALL the time… he got less and less “nice” as time went on. The last 3-4 years I lived with constant bruising on my pelvic and upper thighs… My upper arms as well… And if anyone ever tries to grab and pull my hair the way he used to… I don’t know… I might cut em;) lol… Sex was simply an enemy of mine… It left me broken, empty, lonely, unfulfilled and insecure, no matter what… In the beginning, it hurt to find whatever twisted sexual things he was up to… But, by the end it didn’t phase me really… There were even times I just let it go… Pretending I found nothing, then I didn’t have to deal with his sick, controlling, narcissistic, issues…

After getting out of that hellish situation, I think it took my a bit to realize how dealing and living with him constantly made me lose everything… I learned quickly that allowing his actions and accepting his words, took away my confidence and self-respect… But, realizing that I had grown numb…that took a bit longer… I’m not talking about being strong and taking it, I’m talking NO FEELINGS… NO EMOTIONS… NUMB… Feeling nothing, like your floating through life… I can recall a million awful memories, but I can’t explain how I felt… Other than disconnected… My spirit and my physical self, the things my mind would think, it Didn’t tell my body to feel… Maybe it was for the best…

I have since gotten a few tattoos, all connecting me to TRUTH and REALITY… And I’m not gonna lie, I have a few more I’d like to get someday;) Anyway, I was sitting in a lovely, hot, bath earlier and caught myself thinking about the pain that comes with a tattoo… I caught myself longing for that feeling… And then I thought, “that probably isn’t healthy” lol… It got me thinking though. I got so used to not feeling, that now I think ANY feeling is WONDERFUL! I made a little promise to myself a while ago, that I want to make sure I allow myself to feel all this life throws at me, good…and bad… Happy and utterly sorrowful… I lost 3 grandparents over the past few years, I remember looking at others in my family, they were crying…and I couldn’t, I know I Loved my grandparents, I know I was sad… But, I couldn’t physically express it… I remember looking at those family members in envy…. I remember thinking I was broken, or maybe just a bad person, who didn’t care enough that a beautiful life had ended… I understand now, that I did care enough. I was just in a very disconnected place…

So, maybe now, at this moment, I might be the girl who is on a journey of recovery. Recovering from moments when God felt so far, But that’s only because there was so much evil all around… He saw me, and knew my heart… He knows my heart now๐Ÿ’œ and He’s bringing beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness… double honor instead of shame and joy for mourning… I’m going to take in each moment I have… And cling to the gift of feeling, as it returns๐Ÿ˜˜ โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ