He Was Right…

 

He was right… Everything he said…

You’re disgusting…

You think you could be loved….

You might as well crawl back in bed…

Like he said… You’re disgusting.

All the voices in your head, just give up, stop fighting,

He was right! You’re disgusting!

I mean, LOOK AT YOU! Don’t forget… You’re sloppy, you’re annoying, lazy and fat! You make people sick!

You’re disgusting!

Just give up!

Just give in!

Oh wait!, Then he’ll win…. That Would REALLY Be DISGUSTING!

 

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Make it stop!

maxresdefault (2)At night I can’t help but go there…

Your hands around my neck,

I get so scared.

The darkness creeps in.

I can’t fall asleep, so I know I’m not dreamin.

It feels so real, I just can’t shake it.

All those memories racing through my mind, I just can’t take it!

I don’t wanna play that blame game, but ever since you, I just don’t see myself the same.

I hate what I’ve seen… I hate what’s been done… Let’s face it ,it’s your fault, you’re the one!

The one that tore me to pieces, the one I fought to protect in the darkest seasons.

It makes me sick, just to think about it. All your lies every word, I can’t forget about it.

You were a master of disguise, now I don’t trust my heart and can’t trust my own eyes.

No matter how far I run, I can’t escape this shame… It fills me up, I know that sounds so lame…

But just imagine everyday, knowing you were there, “you should’ve known”, “you should’ve stopped it”, “maybe you didn’t care”….

The thought of not being enough, man, that really eats me up. But I try to remind myself, I couldn’t beat a mind like yours, it’s so corrupt!

It’s crazy, time just keeps passing by… You’re not here, so why am I still believing your lies?

It was not my fault

I remember how it felt when he would discipline me… Looking back, I was treated like an animal by then end. Wether he was angry for a simple reason, like buying groceries, or something a little more serious, like bleeding on our bed….

No matter the severity of the issue, I was always a human being…. It was necessary to feed my children and myself…. And it was ok if what he did to my body made it bleed…. Those things are not “my fault”…. They NEVER were… NEVER will be… A long with a million other things… He so easily threw the burden on me, that EVERYTHING was “my fault”.

The truth is, life happens… And only hurtful and hard hearted people have to find someone to blame for all their problems.

So, to the woman out there tonight, that is carrying ALL those burdens that don’t belong to you…. Those troubles, that are not “your fault” ….. I pray you find it within yourself to give them to Jesus…. Find rest in Him… His load is light and his burden is easy…. He loves you and He sees you✌🏼💜

20180928_012629I had to hold him tonight… his eyes bursting with tears, his small body shaking. You weren’t there, in fact you were the very reason behind his ocean of emotion, you have been a lot these past 2 years…

It came out of no where this evening, I was cooking in the kitchen, then I heard his sister reminding him of all his good qualities, and how much we love him.  I heard him sniffling, and explaining the reason for his breakdown..

He was remembering you throw his things in the fire that day. He was seeing his Mickey Mouse, as his eyes melted off. I know he was little, but there’s memories you can’t just wash away, feelings no one can fix…. somehow it’s not you he was blaming, not your heartless actions…. NO, HE WAS ASKING WHAT HE DID? saying he should’ve taken better care of his things…. that he’s big now, so he could take care of his Mickey Mouse better now.  expressing that if he could go back, maybe somehow, he could get you to change your mind and let him keep some of his things.

After holding him awhile and assuring him it wasn’t his fault. I stared into his sweet blues a while…. they were a bit blood shot, but still….. I stared… At the special miracle I held 8 years ago in the hospital room… alone…  you weren’t there then either…. and we were ok….

It was then I realized it was never his fault. It’s not his fault you are the person you are…. That you do what you do, or hurt people for sport, that you manipulate minds and are incapable of truth…. He is just another Child, an innocent boy, that never wanted anything more than to make you proud… He doesn’t understand yet that, making you proud is an impossible task…

We’ve been surrounded by so many good men, ones that have patience, and LISTEN to him speak… ones that are helping me instill self worth into the MAN, he’ll someday be… I can’t tell you how thankful I was in that moment…. staring in his eyes…. So thankful that he’s a strong one… Stronger than you ever knew… and so thankful we’re away from you!

Don’t ask✌️💜

I’m gonna try not to get too angry on this subject, it gets me extremely frustrated and might bring up a little bitterness I’m still dealing with…lol

Why did you stay?

I’m sure EVERY WOMAN getting out of an abusive relationship/marriage has heard it a million times!

It’s a question that in my opinion further abuses the abused…

Why did you stay?

If things were so bad, why didn’t you leave?

I’m just gonna say, if I knew he was hurting my children, If I knew I was worth more..if I knew there was another option, if I knew it was so wrong… IF I knew it wasn’t MY FAULT, IF I KNEW THERE WAS ANY WAY OUT… I WOULDN’T HAVE STAYED!

but that’s just it, what a stupid question the world feels the need to immediately ask…

Because he made sure I couldn’t!!! He made sure I wouldn’t… He made there be NO WAY! Manipulating EVERY area of our reality… I’ve now had to come to terms with the fact that my last 10 years were a dilution… They we’re nothing but a multitude of “fake moments” that when put together made a reality for me… My life was his stage. Looking flawless himself, but piling the flaws on me.. for everyone to see… Something no one else knew, was he had another whole life behind the curtain as well…It was a master minded scheme… I was just an actress, in his play of life.

So why did I stay…

“No one cares about the sh#$ I do in my personal life!”

“You have nothing without me!”

“You’d Never make it alone!”

“Your weak, you can’t do anything for yourself, let alone the kids too!”

“There’s always one sorry, needy person in every relationship, and you need me, I’d be fine without you!”

“You’re just lucky I’m still here!”

“Your fat lazy a#$ can’t go get a job”

“You couldn’t, even if you tried.”

“I would never let you take them from me.”

“You can leave, but they won’t!”

“You’re crazy, NO ONE will EVER believe you!”

“I could never stay faithful to you!”

“It’s like you don’t get it, every time you open your mouth, I just want you to shut up, it’s embarrassing really!”

“You make everyone uncomfortable!”

“You are so awkward!”

Literally, every word is stated to keep you stuck. Every movement, rather it be harsh, or loving, it’s all a manipulation, to keep you staying… Because if you leave, it’s their lives that fall apart…

I wish EVERYONE could understand, asking the question “why did she stay?” Is the wrong question to be asking… The correct questions would be, “why have we come to a point in time where so many men treat women this way?!?!?” “Why are these men so sad and broken they have to break others?’ ‘Why aren’t we raising more gentleman, that respect women???”

Anyway, the next time you hear of a woman escaping the grips of an abusive relationship, in which you weren’t aware of the severity…and the question, “why did she stay?” pops in your mind… Please….don’t ask✌️💜