If I’m honest, I can’t escape it…not all of it…not all the time… it’s too much… The aching regret, the deep disappointed, the disgust, anger, and the heavy shame…. There are days it all piles on top of me and trys to snuff me out. Somedays, it just gets me. I’m not on top of my game and one thing topples onto another… And I’m down… Spinning into a whirlwind of what ifs and you should’ves… But those days sure don’t change my present reality…

It’s awful! Because I know in my mind I’m not at fault, my abuser formed my reality and shaped me to behave according to it. I know that abuse is an unending cycle if you have any form of contact with the abusive person. That’s the problem, you are abused into believing you are at fault for EVERY issue, you deserve It All… So you stay, because you’ve been manipulated to believe you can’t survive without him, it’s you that needs him, and he makes it crystal clear it’s not the other way around. So, you see, the abuse itself, the reality you’ve lived, fights against what your mind knows to be true.

No! I didn’t deserve any of it! Not a single moment! But the memories tell me otherwise…

His words are so deeply in bedded into my mind, they randomly pop up telling me I’m worthless, incapable, unintelligent, out of shape, ugly…and that I deserve each harsh word as well as every cruel and unwanted touch…

These days It’s simply catching my own reflection… And a million negative words come flooding in.

It’s the moment I feel the heavy shadow of his presence from behind, chills run through my entire body. And a world of horror flashes back.

It’s catching myself trying to not allow myself to eat, or the immediate judgement I put upon myself for eating something I don’t think I deserve…. It’s called eating to live, and I can’t mentally grasp that I deserve food as a human being…to stay alive!!!

It’s waking up drenched in sweat from the nightmares he haunts.

I have amazing days of freedom and random days that feel like I’m still fighting a world of hell…

I guess that’s just life…life after abuse… ✌️💜

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