As a child I think I had a normal amount of feelings and emotions… My parents were always very loving and affectionate…Our mother gave as much of herself as she possiblly could, home-schooling us and spending time working with us and skating… i was always very close to my her, we spent a lot of one on one time, together over the years.. we grew up being able to share and express ourselves…plus we gave and received a lot of hugs 😉

As a teen, I was probably quite a bit to deal with, like most teenagers i suppose. Since my mother and i were the most alike, personality wise, i remember butting heads a lot once i started forming my own opinions… looking back, mama did know best… So, sorry mommy:) But, never the less, i always felt my opinions mattered…

Then I got married, and it wasn’t long before my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter, not even a little… They we’re dismissed the moment I felt I was allowed to share them… Over time I learned I simply wasn’t allowed. The extreme issues I felt I still need to fight… It was still always better to leave it be… The average (I caught you cheating) fight would always end with him forcing himself on me, which at first made me sick to my stomach… The feeling of your husband being with another woman was bad enough, but then he’d have to have me again as well…that was hard to get used to… But, after enough times… and hearing him tell me “it’s your fault” “you wanted it” “you’re so f***Ed up.” “You’d want me no matter what I do.” Well… I started to believe him… And I somehow learned to shut off my feelings in general… Sex wasn’t anything by the end, even though he had to have it ALL the time… he got less and less “nice” as time went on. The last 3-4 years I lived with constant bruising on my pelvic and upper thighs… My upper arms as well… And if anyone ever tries to grab and pull my hair the way he used to… I don’t know… I might cut em;) lol… Sex was simply an enemy of mine… It left me broken, empty, lonely, unfulfilled and insecure, no matter what… In the beginning, it hurt to find whatever twisted sexual things he was up to… But, by the end it didn’t phase me really… There were even times I just let it go… Pretending I found nothing, then I didn’t have to deal with his sick, controlling, narcissistic, issues…

After getting out of that hellish situation, I think it took my a bit to realize how dealing and living with him constantly made me lose everything… I learned quickly that allowing his actions and accepting his words, took away my confidence and self-respect… But, realizing that I had grown numb…that took a bit longer… I’m not talking about being strong and taking it, I’m talking NO FEELINGS… NO EMOTIONS… NUMB… Feeling nothing, like your floating through life… I can recall a million awful memories, but I can’t explain how I felt… Other than disconnected… My spirit and my physical self, the things my mind would think, it Didn’t tell my body to feel… Maybe it was for the best…

I have since gotten a few tattoos, all connecting me to TRUTH and REALITY… And I’m not gonna lie, I have a few more I’d like to get someday;) Anyway, I was sitting in a lovely, hot, bath earlier and caught myself thinking about the pain that comes with a tattoo… I caught myself longing for that feeling… And then I thought, “that probably isn’t healthy” lol… It got me thinking though. I got so used to not feeling, that now I think ANY feeling is WONDERFUL! I made a little promise to myself a while ago, that I want to make sure I allow myself to feel all this life throws at me, good…and bad… Happy and utterly sorrowful… I lost 3 grandparents over the past few years, I remember looking at others in my family, they were crying…and I couldn’t, I know I Loved my grandparents, I know I was sad… But, I couldn’t physically express it… I remember looking at those family members in envy…. I remember thinking I was broken, or maybe just a bad person, who didn’t care enough that a beautiful life had ended… I understand now, that I did care enough. I was just in a very disconnected place…

So, maybe now, at this moment, I might be the girl who is on a journey of recovery. Recovering from moments when God felt so far, But that’s only because there was so much evil all around… He saw me, and knew my heart… He knows my heart now💜 and He’s bringing beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness… double honor instead of shame and joy for mourning… I’m going to take in each moment I have… And cling to the gift of feeling, as it returns😘 ✌️💜

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