I found an old letter from my younger sister, Victoria. She wrote it back in April of 2016, 2 months before my children and I were thrown out of our own home and had to move into a camper on my older sister’s property. Now, something not too many people know about us 3 sisters, is that we love to write things for one another. At pretty much every life event, one or two of us will have a little something to jot on down for the other… Sometimes it’s purely to bring joy and laughter, but life does get real, so in some seasons, the gift of prophecy is all we can share with one another… Speaking what the Holy Spirit whispers or what Our Heavenly Father allows us to see…
At this time, on this day, when Victoria called me after she had finished her work day, she asked if she could stop by. I was living in one of our old childhood homes, back in the muck fields in Hudsonville, Michigan… She drove up my 1/4 mile driveway and sat on the deck with me, overlooking the beautiful farm view. I hadn’t shared with her my recent struggles, or that I was pretty sure my marriage was ending. I myself had no clue what my future was truly about to bring. But, Victoria told me, she knew she had to come tell me what God had shown her and what she felt He wanted her to share with me.
She told me that while she was working, she saw me dancing with my favorite stuffed animal/BFF “Horsey”, that she saw me as “little girl” Cherish. Spinning with my Horsey. And she felt God tell her that I couldn’t let go of that girl and everything she once was, kind, gentle, pure hearted… That I had to fight for her.
I remember my eyes filling with tears, and releasing the words, “what if I can’t be her and be married to Joshua?” I buried Evey hurt from my marriage so deep, I can still feel the horror I felt, when I allowed those words to come out of my mouth… I can still see her face, I could feel her heart break for me… She began to cry as well, and said “I don’t know.” I never openly talked about marriage not even to my sisters, who have always been my best friends. Victoria knew he had been extremely unfaithful and that he was completely toxic. But I don’t think anyone knew the level of abuse that was actually taking place each day in my home.
Anyway, I want to share the letter she wrote me.
[ April 2, 2016 Oh woman!]
“If you only knew! If you could only see! The way I see… The way I see you! Life has worn on you, as water does to the earth, as it continually beats against it… Over and over… The rocks, they form based off the water… Life has done this to you! It breaks Me! Because I long to be the powerful force that forms your identity… This would be so much better! If I could show you and teach you… I would beg you…beg you to not be formed by the wrong they have done to you… Don’t let their actions form your heart… Lots we’re done for spite and jealousy and some out of pure ignorance and lack of understanding. I created you… I created your heart… To be stronger! Stronger than the deceit and lies… The bitterness…the anger… It all melts away with Me! Take my hand, I will make all things new My Love.”
I can say, I’m growing in forgiveness… Each new day… I have to choose to forgive, EVERY day! Sometimes, my mind tries to remind me of all the wrong others have done… and why they don’t deserve to be “set free” of their actions. That’s when I have to tell “angry Cherish” we’re not chosing forgiveness for them…. No! I’m choosing it for me! For my relationship with my Creator! Who saw me through each moment of hurt and agony.
My ex was harsh, manipulative and sly, but it took more than just him to have an affair… Every time… Some girls never knew I existed, but others… They knew… They even called me “friend”.
I’m finally realizing some huge! I get to let go! To let go of the baggage, the hurt, and those relationships themselves… At the time, in the abuse, I carried those things as my fault, my burdens, my shame… But those were NOT my actions… They were others’ actions, others’ choices! I did no wrong in those situations, I remained faithful! Others won’t get to drop the baggage so simply, but it’s silly of me to hold onto it.
So, I’ll let it go! Like Elsa! Lol… I’m gonna let God’s love wash over me, and form me into the girl he created me to be… And I’ll grow a bit more FREE, each time that anger pops into my head and I choose forgiveness…