I was once told by someone that I always like to go back to a place of cotton candy and unicorns. I realize now, he was right, i’m really good at making my own realities, because ignorance is bliss, right?Every time my world came shattering down, I would frantically grasp for the broken pieces and begin to rebuild… each time with lowered expectations… As you can imagine, it didn’t take long for those cotton candies and unicorn to turn into inescapable devils and demons.
nearly a decade of my life passed by, with me desperately trying to keep up the façade that we were “happy” and that he “loved” me… most days I did a pretty good job. but, in my heart I knew, our home was built on infidelity, manipulation and deceit.
I know what you’re thinking, “why did she stay?” it’s simple really, he had me convinced. his words cut deep and I believed them… if I had any worth at all…. he wouldn’t treat me this way…he reminded me constantly that I couldn’t leave… that no one would ever want me… I’d have no place to go…I was incapable of making it without him… and just in case all that wasn’t enough, he’d make it clear he wasn’t gonna let my children go with me… the days he didn’t tell me that I couldn’t leave, my motherly instincts did… our three children were depending on me, depending on me to tell them everything was ok… even though I knew it never was… so, I guess the joke was on me… he was right, I couldn’t go on without him. no one would believe the hell we lived in… because I helped him build our life of lies.
the last two years were truly unbearable, my self hatred spreading and my body bearing the bruises of his hatred as well… my children and myself drowning in his secrets of perversion, lies and abuse… he finally snapped….we were no longer worth keeping around… sadly that wasn’t the end…not even close… we’ve had a long, hard fight for our freedom… he burned most of our belongings, hid all of our money and took away my chances at making any…but, that’s ok… we’re together! safe! We’re not victims and longer… we are survivors! and we are so thankful!